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Jobless in NYC (for a month now) April 21, 2011

Posted by invisiblemadness in Job hunt, Unemployment.
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Originally written: March 30, 2011

So what is life like to be a foreigner and jobless in NYC? It sucks! Well, it isn’t terribly bad, but after a month, boredom (and loserdom!) is slowly creeping in.

Officially, I have been jobless for 3.5 months now. But since I supposedly took a break for the holidays (2 weeks), then “supposedly” studied for the bar for 2 months (I wish I really did take up two months to study, but I didn’t); I have only started looking for a job on February 28. Here is the status update:

Total jobs applied to: I haven’t counted, but definitely more than 10, but less than 20.
Total responses: 7
Interviews: 2 (2 concluded; 1 interview tomorrow)
Rejections: 2
(One didn’t want to sponsor for employment – H1B; the other said I wasn’t a good fit)
Responded but never heard from again: 1
(A firm in Atlanta emailed me a basic questionnaire with salary requirement, reason for leaving last job, etc. I responded and sent a follow-up email, but never heard from the firm again.)
Responded and currently arranging interview schedule: 1
Offers: 0
Locations applied to: Texas, California, DC metro/suburb; Boston, New York, Ohio

I interviewed at a small firm (the attorney said they were a “quasi-firm”) in a DC suburb last week. Now, HR people reading this would probably crucify me for not sending a “thank you” note immediately after the interview, BUT I didn’t because: 1) Having seen the firm, I am not certain that I would want to work there; 2) I felt that I invited myself for an interview and went there on my own expense anyway; 3) I don’t think the employer was sincere about the job vacancy. I know, I know, where are my manners?! I should have thanked them regardless. BUT, seriously, prior to the interview, the attorney presumably “pretended” not to have gotten my email following up about a possible interview; and during the interview flat out told me that I would probably go back to New York once I am admitted to the NY bar.

Here’s the deal: I responded to a blind job ad on Craigslist. The employer emailed me asking if/when I would “relocate” to DC. I emailed back that as soon as their H-1B petition for me has been approved, I would relocate and start working for them. The employer, Mr. Y, then called me TWICE, saying that the H-1B sponsorship was not an issue. He said over and over that they weren’t a fancy firm. He told me about the roots of the firm and what they do. On his second call he said the interview does not have to be on the following week, there wasn’t a need to rush it. I said I will check my schedule and would get back to him, which I did. I emailed on a Friday to schedule an interview for the following Thursday. I didn’t receive a reply. On Tuesday afternoon I called him to schedule the interview. He said he didn’t get my email. We scheduled the interview for Thursday, March 24.

The interview went well. I interviewed with 2 attorneys (Mr. X, the father, and his son, Mr. Y. Mr. Y was in and out during the interview. At the conclusion of my interview, Mr. X said to talk to Mr. Y about my compensation. Mr. Y went on again and again about job duties, that the firm is a quasi firm and isn’t fancy. He also said they have health insurance. But no discussion about compensation. Mr. Y said he would contact me again.

Now, here’s my take on things. I think Mr. Y isn’t sure if developing a new practice for their firm would really be beneficial. Perhaps he was having second thoughts about it. So anyway, I haven’t contacted Mr. Y since the interview. Neither has he contacted me. I would be interviewing with another company (Company C) tomorrow, and regardless of the outcome of that interview (I do not suppose it is any company’s practice to hire on the spot), I plan to follow-up with Mr. Y.

Next week, I hope to interview with a Boston firm. If that doesn’t happen and I don’t get an offer from Company C, then I am dead meat! I will be away on my Orlando vacation on the 2nd week of April, so I wouldn’t be applying to jobs then. Then again, why waste the time, I suppose I could apply to jobs before I turn in at night. At any rate, I should really be packing my stuff anyway. My lease ends in May.

 

Should I leave NYC? April 21, 2011

Posted by invisiblemadness in Job hunt, Unemployment.
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Originally written: March 18, 2011

In my online job hunt, I’ve applied to jobs in warmer climes like California and Texas. I also included DC (because it offers a lot of jobs and DC is still not as cold as NYC.) The point of having left my previous employment was to have some rest, have time to study, and pursue a change of surroundings, change of pace. However, I can no longer deny the inevitable fact, there are a lot more jobs for me in NYC than in other places. Should I give in and apply for jobs in NYC? If I am lucky enough to get a job in NYC, will I feel terrible not having the change of environment that I seek?

When I resigned, I knew that it was a distinct possibility that I might not find a job and would need to go back home. I am okay with that. I know that I could develop a career wherever I am. And at home, I could be with my family, friends, my pets.

Should I stop caring what my ex-boss would think if I took a job in NYC? I did tell the ex-boss that I wanted to move somewhere warmer. Wouldn’t it be an affront of sorts if I stayed in NYC? Then again, the bigger question is: Do I want to stay in NYC?

If I did stay, it would be much of the same. I would probably want to move to a bigger apartment (if one is available in my building) though. Won’t a change in place of employment and apartment be enough “change” for me?

I know that working in NYC firms would offer more mentoring for me than the suburbia firm I plan to interview with next week. But I’d still be here, I won’t fulfill the change that I long for. I might end up miserable and would still harbor the desire to move, which would bring me to square one. It’ll be “now” all over again.

Hmmm…okay, here’s what I’ll do. I will interview with the suburbia firm on Thursday. If I think that it isn’t a good fit for me, then I would start applying to NYC jobs ASAP. Between now and then, I would still be on the lookout for jobs outside of NYC. Case closed. For now.

 

 

Job hunt, weird jobs April 21, 2011

Posted by invisiblemadness in Job hunt, Unemployment.
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Originall written: March 17, 2011

One prospective employer (let’s call him Mr. X) called again. He just wanted to explain the set up of their firm, or quasi firm as he called it. He was apprehensive about wanting to let me come in for an interview, but they did want to interview me. It’s up to me when I want to drop by for an interview. He said they weren’t in a big hurry, it doesn’t have to be next week, it could be anytime that I want to come in. Nice. And weird.

He said he is a lawyer, but only because his father is a lawyer. (According to Mr. X, he did not aspire to become a lawyer.) Mr. X is really a businessman. They do real estate, foreclosures, loan modifications, etc. Mr. X is a salesperson. His father used to be a solo practitioner, but since the father is old, Mr. X started helping out with the firm. He said he is the rainmaker. They want to develop an immigration practice but do not want to bring in lawyers. Weirdness number 2.

Anyway, Mr. X said that when he came on board his father’s practice, the firm grew to a total of 16 people in 6 months. (I suppose that was an additional 14 support people). Since his father is old, Mr. X wants someone to assist his father with the “legal service aspects” of the firm, while Mr. X continues to bring in business. He said the firm is not fancy. (He added that he sometimes feels like a “doctor in the country.”)

Now for the pros and cons of this weird job opportunity:
Pros:
1. It is a job available NOW. For me. With the much needed H-1B sponsorship.
2. Incredible potential for growth if immigration practice takes off.
3. The office is out-of-state and in the same county as my family (cousins).

Cons:
1. Might not get much needed mentoring and training.
2. Firm might not have the corporate structure I desire.
3. Volatile practice and volatile employment.
4. The office is in the same county as my family. (Too close for comfort?)

At any rate, the only thing for me to do now is to travel to the office and see if the people, the practice, the overall vibe and feel of the firm suits me. I know beggars can’t be choosers, but still, I want to settle in a company that I could grow into and that would be a building block towards career growth and success. My career is in its nascent stages. I need every bit of dependable and first-rate guidance that I can get.

I will email Mr. X tomorrow and set up a “look-see/interview” by the end of next week. Here goes nothing!

Job hunting: Of dreams and goings-on April 21, 2011

Posted by invisiblemadness in Dreams, Unemployment.
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Originally written: March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Yahoo Shine has a “Scoop on St. Patrick,” so if you want the 411, head over to the article here.

There isn’t much travel-related happenings in my life right now. I have been somewhat caught up with 1) finding a job; 2) obsessing about dinner with my ex-boss. I have planned a trip to Orlando though for next month. I would of course put a review after the trip.

Job hunt is going very slow, albeit with just enough employer interest here and there to shore up my spirits. I’ll be honest that the extent of my job hunt has only been limited to online job hunting– Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, Indeed.com, Simplyhired.com, etc. I sent out some applications via email on February 28. It initially looked promising to me, when on the same day, I got a call for an employer (out-of-state, I haven’t applied to any NYC jobs, more on this later). It was about dinnertime and while I was baking fish, without much thought, I answered the phone. I was soooo (yes, very, very) excited that I stammered before anything else that I would need H-1B sponsorship. The Office Manager said she would have to check and get back to me if that was something the company was prepared to do. The Office Manager said she’ll call again if they are still interested or if sponsorship is something they don’t want to engage in, she would email me. I was chastising myself for not being composed enough to answer the call. Perhaps I was thinking, let them like me first, then it would be hard for them to say no to visa sponsorship. Anyhow, what’s done was done. While I was smacking myself on the head for being brutally honest in less than 5 minutes of conversation, my phone rang again! The company was indeed amenable to visa sponsorship. I was scheduled for a phone interview the following day. I feel that the interview went well. The Partner closed the phone call by saying that they will be in touch. Riiight. They must have changed their minds. Read on.

Since it was just a phone interview and all communication had only been via email and phone. I decided to send my “thank you note” via email the following day to the Office Manager and all those who interviewed me . (If I had been interviewed in person, I would have sent a thank you card via post). The interviewers all responded, except for the Office Manager. A week after the interview, I sent a follow-up email to the Office Manager. She replied within 5 minutes of my email. She said they are still interviewing. That was last week, I haven’t heard anything since. By the way, since my interview, I’ve seen them re-post the job ads all over the internet. I take it they are no longer interested. (The employer has several vacancies for the same position for the three of their locations. I don’t know if it affected my chances, when after the interview for Location 1, I applied to Location 2, with a higher salary requirement. I didn’t dare apply to Location 3 anymore, even if that was the place I really wanted to relocate to.)

Moving on…

Last week, my ex-boss contacted me, asking how I am doing and how I did on my exam. I replied casually (what was there to say really?). I was then invited to dinner. Oooh. Free food. Well, free food was not my initial reaction, it was “Why was I invited? Wouldn’t this be awkward? I did quit afterall. The boss is being extremely gracious. Am I getting my job back? Do I want that? What is the meaning of life?” (Haha.)

On dinner night, I told myself I was there for free food and good company. The boss probably just wanted to touchbase with me to see that I haven’t gone to the deep end (wherever that was, and for whatever reason I’d be going there.) I dropped by the office so we could all walk to the restaurant together. I saw my old desk. Sat on my old chair. Did I feel connected? A little, perhaps. I haven’t thought about it, haven’t psyched myself about visiting my former office, and didn’t let myself think anything of it.

Dinner was fun. The food was good, so was the company. When I left, I had an open invitation to visit the office again some time. May be, when I am in the area. I think “visiting” is disruptive though. I know how busy they are. They might loathe me for taking precious time away from work should I visit. Besides, I am not really the chit chat type in a professional setting. I like keeping conversation general and not too personal.

Okay, now back to the job hunt. This is the third week that I’ve been trolling online. I have no connections, no networks. I haven’t reached out to friends to see who among them have any remote networks to prospective employers. I’ve received two other replies in addition to the one discussed above. The second reply was a brush off. The employer was not open for employment sponsorship. The third reply looks slightly promising, if not strange, in the usual order of things. I was asked (via email) if I were moving down to their location and if so, when that would be. I found that odd and for a minute I was at a quandary how to respond. The employer’s reply was really not an invitation for an interview. Then again, if I weren’t prepared to relocate, would I have applied in the first place? The employer briefly called me last night, he said H1B sponsorship was not an issue (yay!). But he would still check with his other Partner about the prospect of employing me. That is where everything stands right now.

All through this, I have been having weird dreams lately. Well, just for the past two nights. The first time I dreamt of my nose bleeding; and last night I dreamt that I was in line to have some of my blood drawn from my chest area. I could see the face of the people before me and they said that it was very painful. (I am afraid of having my blood drawn in real life. I have only had it done once.) For a moment I was prepared to have my blood drawn. Then I backed out. In my dream, they needed to draw blood to test for a serious illness. I have no idea what illness that was, but it was the premise of the blood drawing. Since I backed out, there were only two people left who haven’t had their blood drawn– me and an old man. I felt like the old man had an excuse for not wanting to have his blood drawn, but I didn’t. The old man was old; I was young and strong. Just before I woke up, my position in my dream was to skip the blood drawing and to risk not knowing if I had the serious illness. I thought, what were the odds that I had the disease. But internally, I was still battling why I couldn’t just bear the pain, afterall, everybody else did it. It was only me and the old man, who hadn’t gone through the blood drawing. Then I woke up.

I checked the meaning of my “blood” dreams online. According to curiousdreamer.com, “nosebleed” means a feeling of being out-of-sorts or not quite in balance physically, emotionally, or mentally. I had the nosebleed dream on the morning of my dinner night with the ex-boss. I take it that I was subconsciously anxious about dinner with the ex-boss.

Last night’s dream was the “lining up for blood drawing” dream. I don’t really know what it means. The only thing I could relate it to, is my hesitation to move from NYC to suburbia. The third employer who responded to my application is located in a suburb close to a major city. When I woke up, I didn’t have my blood drawn. Could that mean that I shouldn’t move to suburbia? But who was the old man? What did he signify in my dream? It was only me and the old man who weren’t courageous enough to have our blood drawn.

There are a lot of interpretations about “blood” dreams. I’ll post some here. I can’t say the online dream dictionary entries on “blood” make any sense to me, but I really don’t know what to make of my “lining up for my blood to be drawn” dream. Why was there an old man with me? My “lining up for my blood to be drawn” dream may also be influenced by so many images of the Japanese quake/tsunami/radiation tragedy. I have been so involved in keeping up with Japan quake/tsunami/nuclear reactor radiation news that it may have been going into my subconscious.

Here are some meaning of “blood” in dreams. If you’ve develop a skill of interpreting dreams or you have a “gift” for dream interpretation, please feel free to contact me about your thoughts on my recent blood dream. Thank you.

Blood dream interpretations
According to dreamhawk.com:

Your energy and sense of existence; link with your family such as feelings of connection or bonding, inherited tendencies – what we now call genes, but also includes inherited strengths and weaknesses of character; universal life or power in your life, therefore connection with humanity; pain or struggle; injury; death.

From experiencefestival.com, I get several blood dream interpretations:

From Astrocenter:
1. Life.
2. Conflict; war.
Astrological parallel: Aries.
Tarot parallel: The Moon.

From dream-land.info:
Blood is a symbol of vitality. Seeing a blood in a dream: be careful of other people in different situations. If you are losing blood, it means “weakening” of your energies and frustration at this moment in your life. It is very important to know where you are bleeding. If you see blood on your hands: stop being involved in someone’s business. If you see someone else bleeding, you are concerned about your friend. Dreaming about bleeding always points to the emotional wounds that you don’t acknowledge.

From dreamloverinc.com:
It is the life-giving, vital part of our physiology and it may symbolize our strengths and weaknesses and our physical and mental health. If you are currently experiencing a very difficult time in your life, you may have dreams with bloody and frightening images. Don’t worry, you may be venting your fears! Some believe that when you see blood in your dream, the distressing situation in your life which is at the root of the dream has come to an end, and the worst is over. Consider the details and the relationships between of all the symbols in your dream before making an interpretation.

From astrology.com:
Blood in dreams is rarely a well-received image, unless it is connected with an anger object. The blood of another in this case may reflect seeing oneself as ultimately victorious. Most times, blood represents depletion, injury, or death. This depletion may be physical, or it may reflect the loss of other essential resources, including emotional or financial assets.

Blood can have a kind of direct meaning as “life source.” In this regard, blood may be seen as a metaphor for becoming one with another person-this type of feeling is conjured from our exposure to Native American “blood brother” images.

Blood also may serve as a sacrificial metaphor-as in the sacrificial lamb or other animal. It also may have occult implications for persons involved with such practices.

Draining, drinking, or drawing and/or writing with blood are practices of this nature. Many genres of cult literature often include this type of reference. Whose blood are you seeing in your dream? Can you discern who caused the bleeding? Is the presence of blood accompanied by a feeling of threat?

From whats-your-sign.com:
Dream meaning of blood deals with life, fluidity, passion and that which sustains us. Blood dreams get right down to the nitty gritty of emotional issues that have been coagulating deep beneath surface life experience, those aspects that dwell in the deepest fathoms of our awareness. Some messages that may manifest from blood include a sense of guilt (dreaming of blood on our hands), overburdened or weak and needing to take rest (loosing blood in our dreams), challenges with making social connections or emotional ties (seeing someone else’s blood).

 

 

“I am a hormone casserole.” April 21, 2011

Posted by invisiblemadness in Personal, Television.
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Originally written: February 4, 2011

No, I’m not really, but Calliope is. Although, I may not be a casserole of the hormonal kind, I may be one of the “mess”-y kind (yes, a messy casserole!) Borrowing Calliope’s flair for words, I do feel in my “metaphorical gut” that I would be a mess pretty soon-ish. I am not prepared for the exam, which I left my job for (then again, that was just one aspect of leaving my job. The exam was my excuse yet again, and as with all excuses it is now getting old. Really.) So I am ill-prepared for the exam (at this point 60% fail, 40% pass), without a job, poor, and fat. (Okay, I’m not fat, but I’m not fit either.)

I need something to go my way. I know it rarely just happens out of thin air…then again Expedia happened out of thin air. To be honest, I was planning on cancelling that trip (hopeful that I would find a job before my scheduled departure) and I was prepared to pay the $100 penalty fee. But lo and behold, the airline cancelled the trip for me, so I don’t have to pay the penalty fee! 🙂 At any rate, I realize I need to make things happen for me, I can’t really be just a passive participant in my own life…so I will make things happen. I will make things go my way. And I would be happy to type up my report here, whenever/every time that happens.

Everyday I remind myself of how good my life could be if only I stepped up and flexed my muscles, directed my energies to how I would like to live. I do feel that I am wasting precious time away and forsaking any God-given talents and/or life skills I have developed along the way. So I give myself ‘the’ pep talk now and again. Still, most of the time, I fail. But I try. I have been really indifferent and apathetic, and I know it. I need to break the mold, I need to veer away from my destructive cycle of mediocrity and indifference. I was an achiever once. Then I let life slide. I need a word, a mantra. I suppose for now, the best that I could have is “ACHIEVE.” I will repeat it 16x a day or more as needed. (I wanted to do it every hour on the hour, but then I assume that I am asleep for 8 hours a day, so 16x should be my minimum, and the rest would be on as needed basis.)

After my self-imposed hiatus (until the end of this month) from life, I know that I would be a mess. Strike that. I already am a mess. I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t want to be a casserole of any kind. I don’t want bad feelings in my metaphorical gut. (A good meal is what I need in my gut. On a totally unrelated note, my sister had a fantastic dinner at Aubergine and had duck. I am reminded of three things: 1) How long it has been since I’ve been out (as in out, out, wine, dine. The only times when I’ve gone out since January were to go to Target, and to play in the snow and make a snowman); 2) How I have not registered for NY Restaurant Week (reason: jobless/poor); 3) How I missed to try duck at Au Pied de Cochon in Montreal.

Oh, but I get it. All those three things as well as other more serious concerns in my life could be remedied by something…“ACHIEVE.” And that’s what I am off to do!

P.S. The quotes above are from Grey’s Anatomy, episode 13 of season 7, “Don’t Deceive Me (Please Don’t Go)” which aired last night, February 3, 2011. Full episodes of the current season are available online at ABC.com.

Tax season, refund, bills…life. April 21, 2011

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Originaly written: January 28, 2011

Here comes the tax man again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion…

Okay, so I am parlaying Annie Lenox to soften the blow of the inevitable. :-O I am not an eager beaver for tax season, but I just want to get it out of the way. I am still waiting for my W2 from my former employer. I hope I get it soon, so I could start preparing my tax return. I wonder what tax software I should use (if I should use any) this year – Turbo Tax? H&R Block? Last year I prepared my tax on my own sans software– which meant having to read the instructions line by line; computing and recomputing. It was a tax return success, as the IRS issued the total refund I calculated. Actually, I have been preparing tax returns on my own for a couple of years now. I did use CINTAX several times, but I still do a manual computation of my taxes (for fun, perhaps? Or I am too anal?) Possibly in my past life, I was an accountant? Hmm, if I didn’t major in Communications in college, I would have studied Accounting. May be, it is not yet too late for me to pursue accounting? Nah. I should have a career by now. At this point, I have no business incurring student loans. (Oy, I am not old. (Who said I was anyway?) Yes, I am being defensive. Truth is, I am 30. 30 is a defensive age!) Oooh, I got sidetracked, a sure sign of advanced age. Grr. Shall we go back to the matters at hand…tax, refund, bills…life.

I must confess that I am having tax issues of a different nature– FICA refund. I was previously on a foreign student (F1) status, which meant that working on OPT, I should not have been deducted social security and medicare contributions. My boss may or may not have known about the FICA exemption for F-1 students. I am inclined to think that my employer knows about it, after all my boss is an expert in immigration (and F1 status considerations, such as tax, would have been something my boss should have general knowledge of), but anyway… Since my employer deducted FICA, I had to claim for a refund from the IRS. My claim was received by the IRS on April 2010. Yet until now, I have not received my refund! Oh, I keep getting those perfunctory notices, that the IRS needs to conduct additional investigation, thus they require an additional 45 days to look into my claim. Well, it has already been a lot of 45-day cycles now, hasn’t it?!

I have not been a passive party through this ordeal, then again, perhaps I have not been as pro-active as I should have been? I think I have called the IRS every month or twice a month to follow-up, but no luck. My case has already been referred to the Taxpayer Advocate Service. I hope it doesn’t languish there. My “advocate” has been very nice. She returns my phone calls on the same day or after a day or two. But at this point, I really just need the money! It is sad, frustrating, sad, ridiculous, sad, unacceptable, sad, to have to wait for a refund this long. I feel so helpless to be at the mercy of these government agencies. I have been very patient and respectful in all my dealings with them, but to be in a situation where all one could do is wait, is very irksome.

To compound my situation of long overdue refund and current unemployment, I have some medical bills I need to pay. My parents visited me last year and one of them had an emergency situation, which required medical attention. I did obtain medical insurance for them, but the insurance did not cover all the charges. Although I know that I am not obligated to settle the bills for my parents, I do feel responsible for expenses for when they were here. Besides, they took care of me all these years, it is my turn to take care of them. Based on the insurance provider’s explanation of benefits, I should receive three bills. I have recently received two out of three. I hope the third one does not reach me anytime soon. Or at least I hope that my refund will arrive before the third bill.

Despite everything that is happening or not happening in my life right now, I still feel blessed. I am healthy and my family is healthy. I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed, food, and love. Besides, I was the one who resigned from my job, so I did bring this unemployed situation unto myself. I can’t really complain, can I? Just the fact that I can post this blog entry is already something to be thankful for. It means that I am here, with coherent thoughts (okay, so the coherence aspect is dodgy), I have not succumbed to seasonal depression, and I have the means to go online at anytime that I please. I have also recently posted my profile on Monster.com and have already gotten two employer views. Sure, that’s not something to be extremely thrilled about, but it’s a start. So even with the inevitable tax season and pending bills, life is not bad at all. A job will be found one way or another and bills will be paid. For as long as me and my family are healthy, everything is all right.

Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened.
– Matthew 7:7; Luke 11:9.

Tales of the poor and the unemployed April 21, 2011

Posted by invisiblemadness in Job hunt, Unemployment.
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Originally written: January 27, 2011

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore;
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
– Emma Lazarus, “New Colossus”

Over a month into this unemployment and nothing has happened in my life. I have not applied for any jobs, have not learned any new skills nor nurtured old hobbies, and I am waaaaay behind my study schedule. I would like to say I have wasted time. But quite adamant to really do, as the time I gave myself “rest” could not truly had been a complete waste? I have had days of vegging out, as well as consecutive days of working out. There had been days when I’ve possibly read all the featured news on my Yahoo front page (including comments), New York Times, and my country’s local broad sheet; and days when I’ve sat on the sofa watching TV for about 4 hours a day. (Four hours/day is a lot, considering that when I was still in school and when I was working, there had been many days when I don’t even turn on the TV.) I have had the satisfaction to “google” everything I’ve ever wanted in life. No, I do not have a list of these things, but it was more of a “one thing leads to another” situation (say I’ve read something about Korea, then I would “google” Korea and other things or people who have struck my fleeting interests for the day.)

I do feel quite guilty of the time I have wasted, yet I console myself that such time was necessary. At least now I know that once I am gainfully employed, I have comforting moments of vegging out to look back to. My life has slowed, but didn’t stand still. I am gradually getting excited at all the possibilities, yet terrified of the challenges a job search entails. The dismal economy offers little hope, worse, the immigration component of my situation adds another hurdle. Without wanting to be trite, I say, “Oh Lady Liberty, I am one of those tired and poor. Please shine your light on me and let me through your golden door!”

Professional break up December 4, 2010

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December 3, 2010

I officially resigned from my job today. At around 4.42p.m., I handed in my resignation letter. It was a stressful moment for me, but a long time coming. I resigned without a job lined up, but just the feeling that I had to move elsewhere. My job was okay. My boss was okay. The thing is, I am not really the type to be happy with “okay.” I’m not exactly sure what I am looking for, but where I was, was not it. And so I broke up with my boss today. It was sad, yet freeing. I do feel horrible. I think resigning is like breaking up. I was after all saying goodbye to a good, okay relationship. The relationship had its shortcomings, but it was not the worst in the world. Perhaps that was why it was sad. It was a good job. Yet I let go. Who knows where I will end up?

I have not been able to verbalize why I did what I did. As with any parting, I feel a certain sadness. I think I even feel pain. But it was a pain I chose. I couldn’t be content in the comfortable, secure place where I was. I want more, I need more. So here I am, in the abyss of uncertainty. One day I know I will get over this break up. I hope it brings me the best. I pray it leads me to the place I am blindly searching for, a place I hope exists out there.

To my boss, I am sorry. I hope you didn’t feel betrayed that I withdrew from my position. It was something I needed to do and would have done sooner or later. I wish you well and hope you keep in touch.

11.59p.m.

Lost March 14, 2010

Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.
1 comment so far

I have never in my life felt so lost as I do now. I cannot compare it to any other feeling that I have had. Heartbreaks, though not easy are manageable. There is a pain that must be overcome. But the feeling of being lost, is almost akin to nothingness. You don’t know what it is, so it’s harder to manage. Perhaps the feeling I have now is closely connected to the fear of uncertainty. The fear of making a decision and sticking to it. The problem lies though in the decision, in the choice that must be made. I do not know what that decision should be. Or don’t I really? I know I want change. But how? Where? Anywhere but here? Would I not just be perpetuating the feeling of being lost if I were so drastic as to change my circumstances without knowing where I want to be? What I want to become? What I want in life?

Have you ever felt lost? How were you found? What did you do?

The death of motivation February 4, 2010

Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.
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4 comments

For some time now I have been lacking motivation. I feel that I need a sudden change of environment to shake me from my apathy. But I am told to deal with one problem first before any move. But how can I deal with the problem, when the solution might be moving and then dealing with the problem. I need to revive motivation. I think it calls for me leaving the people and place where I am at so I could infuse myself of the needed change. Does change = motivation? Would change bring about motivation? Or does motivation bring about change? How could I then have change when I lack motivation? How do I revive motivation to achieve the change that I seek?