Invisible madness

“I am a hormone casserole.” April 21, 2011

Originally written: February 4, 2011

No, I’m not really, but Calliope is. Although, I may not be a casserole of the hormonal kind, I may be one of the “mess”-y kind (yes, a messy casserole!) Borrowing Calliope’s flair for words, I do feel in my “metaphorical gut” that I would be a mess pretty soon-ish. I am not prepared for the exam, which I left my job for (then again, that was just one aspect of leaving my job. The exam was my excuse yet again, and as with all excuses it is now getting old. Really.) So I am ill-prepared for the exam (at this point 60% fail, 40% pass), without a job, poor, and fat. (Okay, I’m not fat, but I’m not fit either.)

I need something to go my way. I know it rarely just happens out of thin air…then again Expedia happened out of thin air. To be honest, I was planning on cancelling that trip (hopeful that I would find a job before my scheduled departure) and I was prepared to pay the $100 penalty fee. But lo and behold, the airline cancelled the trip for me, so I don’t have to pay the penalty fee! 🙂 At any rate, I realize I need to make things happen for me, I can’t really be just a passive participant in my own life…so I will make things happen. I will make things go my way. And I would be happy to type up my report here, whenever/every time that happens.

Everyday I remind myself of how good my life could be if only I stepped up and flexed my muscles, directed my energies to how I would like to live. I do feel that I am wasting precious time away and forsaking any God-given talents and/or life skills I have developed along the way. So I give myself ‘the’ pep talk now and again. Still, most of the time, I fail. But I try. I have been really indifferent and apathetic, and I know it. I need to break the mold, I need to veer away from my destructive cycle of mediocrity and indifference. I was an achiever once. Then I let life slide. I need a word, a mantra. I suppose for now, the best that I could have is “ACHIEVE.” I will repeat it 16x a day or more as needed. (I wanted to do it every hour on the hour, but then I assume that I am asleep for 8 hours a day, so 16x should be my minimum, and the rest would be on as needed basis.)

After my self-imposed hiatus (until the end of this month) from life, I know that I would be a mess. Strike that. I already am a mess. I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t want to be a casserole of any kind. I don’t want bad feelings in my metaphorical gut. (A good meal is what I need in my gut. On a totally unrelated note, my sister had a fantastic dinner at Aubergine and had duck. I am reminded of three things: 1) How long it has been since I’ve been out (as in out, out, wine, dine. The only times when I’ve gone out since January were to go to Target, and to play in the snow and make a snowman); 2) How I have not registered for NY Restaurant Week (reason: jobless/poor); 3) How I missed to try duck at Au Pied de Cochon in Montreal.

Oh, but I get it. All those three things as well as other more serious concerns in my life could be remedied by something…“ACHIEVE.” And that’s what I am off to do!

P.S. The quotes above are from Grey’s Anatomy, episode 13 of season 7, “Don’t Deceive Me (Please Don’t Go)” which aired last night, February 3, 2011. Full episodes of the current season are available online at ABC.com.