Professional break up December 4, 2010
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December 3, 2010
I officially resigned from my job today. At around 4.42p.m., I handed in my resignation letter. It was a stressful moment for me, but a long time coming. I resigned without a job lined up, but just the feeling that I had to move elsewhere. My job was okay. My boss was okay. The thing is, I am not really the type to be happy with “okay.” I’m not exactly sure what I am looking for, but where I was, was not it. And so I broke up with my boss today. It was sad, yet freeing. I do feel horrible. I think resigning is like breaking up. I was after all saying goodbye to a good, okay relationship. The relationship had its shortcomings, but it was not the worst in the world. Perhaps that was why it was sad. It was a good job. Yet I let go. Who knows where I will end up?
I have not been able to verbalize why I did what I did. As with any parting, I feel a certain sadness. I think I even feel pain. But it was a pain I chose. I couldn’t be content in the comfortable, secure place where I was. I want more, I need more. So here I am, in the abyss of uncertainty. One day I know I will get over this break up. I hope it brings me the best. I pray it leads me to the place I am blindly searching for, a place I hope exists out there.
To my boss, I am sorry. I hope you didn’t feel betrayed that I withdrew from my position. It was something I needed to do and would have done sooner or later. I wish you well and hope you keep in touch.
11.59p.m.
Lost March 14, 2010
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I have never in my life felt so lost as I do now. I cannot compare it to any other feeling that I have had. Heartbreaks, though not easy are manageable. There is a pain that must be overcome. But the feeling of being lost, is almost akin to nothingness. You don’t know what it is, so it’s harder to manage. Perhaps the feeling I have now is closely connected to the fear of uncertainty. The fear of making a decision and sticking to it. The problem lies though in the decision, in the choice that must be made. I do not know what that decision should be. Or don’t I really? I know I want change. But how? Where? Anywhere but here? Would I not just be perpetuating the feeling of being lost if I were so drastic as to change my circumstances without knowing where I want to be? What I want to become? What I want in life?
Have you ever felt lost? How were you found? What did you do?
The death of motivation February 4, 2010
Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.Tags: motivation, thoughts
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For some time now I have been lacking motivation. I feel that I need a sudden change of environment to shake me from my apathy. But I am told to deal with one problem first before any move. But how can I deal with the problem, when the solution might be moving and then dealing with the problem. I need to revive motivation. I think it calls for me leaving the people and place where I am at so I could infuse myself of the needed change. Does change = motivation? Would change bring about motivation? Or does motivation bring about change? How could I then have change when I lack motivation? How do I revive motivation to achieve the change that I seek?
Sleep on it January 16, 2010
Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.Tags: thoughts, what shall I do with my life, where am i headed
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Sometimes I awake, all too late, all too soon, still in the same place where I slept. Then I wonder, where did I want to lay my head and get up next? So back to bed I go, with these thoughts until next I awake, all too soon, all too late.
Bitter is the New Black January 16, 2010
Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.Tags: Bitter is the New Black, book, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Jen Lancaster
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Just finished Jen Lancaster’s “Bitter is the New Black.” It’s funny, witty, bitchy read. (Although I think I still prefer the Shopaholic series.) Anyhow, will probably write more thoughts on the BITNB later. For now, goodnight world. Shout out to NYorkers of course. It was a pleasant day today.
Breakfast betrayal December 18, 2009
Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.Tags: life, work
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Several times a week, I get my breakfast from the cart right outside my office building. There are actually 2 carts near our office, separated by a measly 4 steps from each other. One cart is close to the corner of the street, the other about 3 steps from the building entrance.
For about a month or so, I have not been getting my breakfast from any of the carts. Last week, hungry and late, I decided to have my usual apple turnover from Cart#2 (near the building entrance). The guy, having noticed my absence for some time, said, so how are you? I haven’t see you. I told him, oh it’s because I went home (to my country). The cart guy said, oh really. I thought you betrayed me. I said, “what?” He said, “betrayed, betrayed.” (I of course knew what he meant. I do sometimes buy from cart#1 when the line in cart#2 is long and when I’m in a rush. See, cart#2 makes small talk. Cart#1 is all business.) He said, how long were you home? I said, oh last month. He said, for 1 month? I ignored his comment. I couldn’t really tell him I was only away for 2 weeks?! Sounds crazy eh. I feel guilty for not buying breakfast. The cart guy feels betrayed. Oh life!
The Alchemist December 17, 2009
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Some things here ring true for me.
“…When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.”
“He had to choose between something he had become accustomed to and something he wanted to have…There was nothing to hold himself back except himself.”
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
“It’s a book that says the same thing almost all the other books in the world say,” continued the old man (Melchizedek). “It describes people’s inability to choose their own destinies. And it ends up saying that everyone believes the world’s greatest lie.” “What’s the world’s greatest lie?” the boy asked, completely surprised. “It’s this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That’s the world’s greatest lie.””It (destiny) is what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny.” “It (mysterious force) is a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will …… To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only real obligation.”
Discontent December 16, 2009
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My life where I am now is good. It is the discontent that is plaguing me. The what if I packed my bags and left? I would admittedly be earning less should I leave, but I think that would only be for a while. I would be losing ties with some of the most important people in my life. But what happens next?
If I stayed here I pretty much know. It’d be like this for at least a year. Am I truly happy?
Am I craving for change? What is it I am running away from? What is it I am running to?
Work from home in an office December 13, 2009
Posted by invisiblemadness in Uncategorized.Tags: christmas, work
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I work for a small company. How small? There’s me and there’s my boss. Christmas time calls for Christmas greetings. Christmas greetings mean Christmas cards to the clients. As I was patiently sticking address labels to the hundredth or so envelope, I surprisingly amused myself with the thought, “so this is how work from home in an office feels like.” Hahaha. I cannot get those ads of work from home sticking stamps or something / handling mailers from my head. It was fun while it lasted! Oh well. If my boss were the diligent person that she is, the greeting cards would have all been labeled, stamped and sent come Monday. If not, I wonder how many hundreds more I’d have to stick address labels on.
Strangely normal December 13, 2009
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My madness is not mental nor criminal nor passionate. It is the ordinary, day-to-day, run-of-the-mill, I have everything good yet I want to mess it up kind. How maddening that it is strangely normal.
Do you sometimes feel the same way? Always? Never?
Invisible madness 